SUFFERING VS. TOXIC POSITIVITY

Written By Eva Ugarte

One of the most important things we do in therapy is name and process painful feelings and experiences. When we avoid them, the pain can get “stuck” and turn into ongoing suffering. As the author Haruki Murakami put it so well: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Our culture often teaches us to strive for everything to be “good” and to see difficult emotions as obstacles to happiness. But emotions like sadness, anxiety, grief, jealousy, anger, and frustration are not flaws to fix — they are part of the natural evolution of the self. We grow through them. They help us become whole.

Toxic positivity — the insistence on feeling only “good vibes” — denies the very parts of ourselves that hold wisdom. It can block us from integrating the full range of human experiences. In therapy, we learn to welcome every emotion, listen to its message, and integrate it. These emotions don’t have to control our actions, but they can inform our choices. When we allow them to be our teachers, they become guides toward deeper self-understanding and authentic living.

Here’s a simple but powerful self-reflection exercise you can practice to immediately experience the concept in action.
It’s designed to be safe for you to explore this on your own.

Exercise: Listening to Your Emotions Without Judgment

  1. Find a quiet moment. Sit somewhere you feel safe and won’t be interrupted for 5–10 minutes.

  2. Check in with yourself. Gently ask:
    “What am I feeling right now?”
    Don’t overthink — just notice what comes up.

  3. Name the emotion.
    It could be something like sadness, frustration, calm, worry, excitement, or even numbness. Write it down.

  4. Locate it in your body.
    Notice where this emotion “lives” — your chest, stomach, throat, shoulders, jaw, or elsewhere.

  5. Ask it what it needs.
    Silently or aloud, say:
    “If you could speak to me, what would you want me to know?”
    Listen without arguing or trying to change it.

  6. Thank the emotion.
    Even if it feels uncomfortable, acknowledge it as a messenger, not an enemy.

  7. Close with a grounding breath.
    Inhale slowly for 4 counts, exhale for 6 counts. Remind yourself:
    “All my emotions are welcome here. They are part of me, and they are guiding me toward understanding.”

This kind of gentle, non-judgmental awareness is a first step toward integrating emotions — instead of getting stuck in them or shutting them down.

Are you ready to make your journey from pain to wholeness? Let’s connect.


Eva Ugarte