What Really Matters in a Partner: Insights from Lori Gottlieb
When we think about what we want in a partner, many of us start with a checklist: physical appearance, career success, shared hobbies, maybe even the same taste in movies or food. But as psychotherapist and bestselling author Lori Gottlieb reminds us in Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, those things don’t guarantee happiness. What really matters is character, emotional maturity, and the ability to grow together.
Character Counts More Than Charm
At the beginning of a relationship, we usually meet the “ambassador version” of someone—the polished, best-behavior self. Over time, their true patterns emerge. That’s why Gottlieb encourages people to look past charm and chemistry and pay attention to character. Ask yourself:
Do they mean what they say?
Are they responsible and reliable?
How do they treat others—not just you, but servers, family, or friends?
How do they behave under stress?
Can they still make you laugh when things are tough?
Are they passionate about their career versus just making money?
As Gottlieb says, who you choose to share everyday life with matters more than any surface detail. Character shows up in the small moments, not just the grand gestures.
Two Essential Qualities: Kindness and Emotional Stability
Gottlieb highlights two non-negotiables: kindness and emotional stability. The right partner can self-regulate, listen without defensiveness, and avoid blowing up in destructive ways. They’re honest, grounded, and emotionally mature. This creates a sense of safety—a key ingredient for intimacy.
It is Hard to be in a Relationship with Someone Who is Rigid
Relationships require flexibility. Life happens—job changes, health issues, family stress—and a rigid partner makes it harder to adapt. Someone who can compromise and grow will help the relationship stay resilient.
Look Beyond the Mask
In the first three to six months, most people are performing. We want to impress, to be chosen. But as Gottlieb points out, “we project onto them who we want them to be, and we don’t see who they really are.” That’s why it’s crucial not to ignore red flags. Have the hard conversations early, and notice whether your partner is truly open to dialogue.
Listen and Ask Questions
Pay close attention to what a partner shares. If they say, “Family is important to me,” or “I value my independence,” don’t brush past it—ask what that really means to them. If they speak harshly about a parent, consider how they process anger and unfinished business. As Gottlieb notes, “we marry our unfinished business”—unresolved wounds often resurface in intimate partnerships.
Signs of Emotional Maturity
According to Gottlieb, a good partner isn’t perfect but is willing to grow. Look for someone who will:
Show up consistently
Take responsibility
Apologize sincerely
Bring up tough topics instead of avoiding them
Listen and validate your feelings
These behaviors reveal not only maturity but also the desire to build something lasting together.
Choose the Bigger Life
One of Gottlieb’s guiding principles is to “choose the bigger life.” Don’t shrink your desires to fit someone else’s comfort zone. The right partner will support your growth, not limit it. In therapy, many people look for permission to want more—from love, from life, from themselves. Gottlieb’s answer is simple: you don’t need permission.
Lori Gottlieb’s wisdom is both grounding and liberating: focus less on the superficial checklist and more on the qualities that will sustain you in the long run. Character, kindness, emotional stability, flexibility, and the willingness to grow together—these are the foundations of a safe, loving, and enduring partnership. The thrill of new romance may fade, but with the right partner, what remains is something far richer: trust, laughter, and the freedom to build a bigger life together.